T-32

Casualties in the Niger Delta water war have reached half a million, with famine displacing millions more. That’s the serious news for the day. Here at home, resettlement of Arizonans and Nevadans displaced by the failure of the Colorado River is said to be proceeding with minimal disruptions. But if you believe that, you haven’t been seeing the same feeds I have. Phoenix, Tempe, and Tucson are all coded Orange. The D-Backs are on the road until further notice, playing their ‘home’—did you hear the scare quotes?—games in New Orleans, if you can believe that. No water to too much water. Back in Arizona, the new suicide hotspot is the remains of the Hoover Dam. Oh, and if you’re not cleared orange, stay away from the Civic Center until 4 o’clock today. Visiting honchos of somethingorother in town for talks about the water problems in Arizona and Nevada. Surprised they don’t have the emirs of everywhere in the Horn of Africa here too, the way they’re killing each other for agua. But hey, if people over there didn’t have something to shoot each other over, they’d all wake up and realize they live in a place where people shouldn’t live, and then they’d all be here. Or in Canada. In any case, if your car doesn’t pass Orange, don’t drive downtown today. No word from Metro on whether there’s a security pinch for the trains too. Dodgers are up 3-1 in the fifth. Let’s see, what else…did you hear about this buyout thing? I tell you what, a whole lot of things have made me homicidal in my time, but man, that’s incentive. You kill someone, we’ll make your family rich! All over Cali, people are making lists of relatives they don’t like and matching them up with people who need killing. Do I sound like I’m against it? Pero no! Anything that derails a lawyer’s gravy train, I’m totally pro. 102 degrees at LAX, 107 in the Valley, 96 in Long Beach. UV index is thermonuclear. If you’re outside without a hat, you would not be found competent to take a buyout, know what I’m saying?